A few weeks ago, my friend recommended a book called Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, MD PhD. I reacted the way anyone who is recommended a self-help book would react: Girl you think I need help?! I would have ignored it if it not for my deep respect for this friend, who once sat with me in a bar and helped me map out the plot of my novel on a piece of paper she tore from her own notebook (as opposed to letting me sit there and drone on about how hard writing is, etc etc). The plot of my novel is completely different now; several characters and darlings have been killed. But without this initial map, there would be no novel at all. All of which is to say, if this friend recommends a book, I will read it.
Of course the book she recommended was excellent. (I listened to the audiobook.) It dwelled primarily on the psychology of clinging to resentment, and gets quite woo, dwelling on the ‘higher cosmic frequency’ of love and inner freedom. I don’t care for the parts where Hawkins implies letting go of grievances can help cure medical ailments, and am deeply sceptical of his case studies of people who let go of something and magically got exactly what they wanted, but for the most part, I found it fascinating. Especially the part of the book where Hawkins breaks down his analysis of the three ways suppressed emotions manifest – projection, self-expression, and escape.
I am condensing/noting them below, A) because I think they are interesting, and B) because writing it down like this helps me properly comprehend it, as opposed to just moving on to the next interesting audiobook.
1. Projection
Rooted in denial, projection refuses to acknowledge the presence of the suppressed emotion in oneself, and instead frames other people or ideas as the root cause of negative feeling. You probably already know this, but Hawkins pinpoints how governments and other powers that be orchestrate projection in order to get what they want, i.e. making people think a foreign country or immigrants is the cause of their suffering, or – in the case of massive fandoms – projecting so positively onto a celebrity, project, or cult leader that any questioning of it feels like a threat. This reminds me of a different excellent book, Pankaj Mishra’s The Age of Anger, where he talks about the concept of ‘ressentiment’:
Ressentiment – caused by an intense mix of envy, humiliation and powerlessness – is not simply the French word for resentment. Its meaning was shaped in a particular cultural and social context: the rise of a secular and meritocratic society in the 18th century. Even though he never used the word, the first thinker to identify how ressentiment would emerge from modern ideals of an egalitarian and commercial society was Jean-Jacques Rousseau. An outsider to the Parisian elite of his time, who struggled with envy, fascination, revulsion and rejection, Rousseau saw how people in a society driven by individual self-interest come to live for the satisfaction of their vanity – the desire and need to secure recognition from others, to be esteemed by them as much as one esteems oneself.
This state of ‘needing to be esteemed by others as much as one esteems oneself’ is a breeding ground for projection, because if our sense of self is so tied with how other people see us – as it has to be, on some level, if we are to participate in society as it is today – it’s hard to tell the difference between what they value and what we value. Hannah Arendt (who Mishra quotes) calls the effect of this ‘universal irritability’. This term reminds me of how, when I lived in New York, people were constantly annoyed: at loud people on the subway, long restaurant queues, work drama, someone getting a six figure book deal for being good-looking, etc etc. (Guilty on all counts.) It is, possibly, a projection of the discomfort of living in a city that is packed like sardines, where standing out from the pack can feel like a matter of survival.
In this light, letting go can be seen as a way to protect oneself from both resentment and ressentiment.
2. Self-Expression
I found this one most fascinating, because, as Hawkins says, self-expression is misunderstood as the antidote to suppressed emotion. The idea being that if we just talk about what’s eating us – air out our trauma in a public way – that it sets us on a path of healing. This is one of the many reasons I did not like Baby Reindeer, and other self-expression-as-catharsis narratives. Self-expression – especially when couched in defensive terms like ‘just venting’ or ‘just saying’ or ‘just being honest’ – allows some of the suppressed emotion out, while keeping the rest squarely locked away. In Hawkins’ words, it allows just enough emotion to be let out so the remainder can stay suppressed and unprocessed. This is not the fault of the person expressing themselves, necessarily; we’ve been sold the idea that the way to get over things is to talk about it.
This is not necessarily untrue, just simplistic. What Freud initially said (according to Hawkins) is that expressing the emotion is just the first step; the emotion then needs to be neutralised and sublimated, channeled into love, creativity, and care. At best, self-expression on its own just gives the emotion you are trying to suppress a little power nap so it can have even more energy later on, and at worst, it’s what we nowadays call ‘trauma dumping’.
I was thinking about this in the context of the confessional essays that were all the rage last decade, on sites like XoJane and The Cut. I don’t think they are unequivocally a bad thing – J.P. Brammer has a wonderful defence of that style of personal essay here – but they did create this culture of praising people for ‘being brave’ enough to disclose shameful things, without really interrogating what comes in the aftermath of that disclosure. Because we were to busy moving on the the next ‘brave essay’, which became no different than a piece of scandalous gossip, because it’s all just content.
3. Escape
Hawkins calls Escape – the third way negative emotions are suppressed – the ‘backbone’ of the alcohol and leisure industries. I wish he was a little more sympathetic about it; I mean, wouldn’t you rather go on an all-inclusive trip to the Bahamas than sit at home and thinking deeply about why you hate yourself and your life? But his point is that endless socialising, talking, shopping, traveling, dining, gambling, and ‘cocktail partying’ is so exhausting that it leaves no space for having any ‘real interest in other people’ beyond how they can facilitate your fun, ignorance-is-bliss times. In the context of travel, the most recent The Culture We Deserve podcast describes this kind of tension – between curiosity and escape – as ‘pleasure versus hedonism’.
A lot has been said recently of travel being more about self-indulgence and getting the right Instagram pics than it is about experiencing a different culture, but what is really comes down to is curiosity. It’s tempting to think of curiosity as something one just has or does not have, but I don’t think that’s the case – it’s more like, does one have enough space to be curious? Maybe it’s naive, but I really believe that curiosity evolves naturally from a space of just being more relaxed, i.e. on vacation (if you can actually relax on vacation instead of fixating on following various guides).
Verdict: Detachment
Did the book ‘self-help’ me? Yes and no. Mostly it echoed some of the thoughts I’ve been having about spirituality in the last year, as a result of studying astrology and tarot more intensely. Mainly, that detachment – only achievable by letting go – leads to a space where curiosity, care, and creativity come more naturally. But detachment also needs constant tending to, or it runs the risk of becoming exactly what Hawkins cautions against: a way to project, shallowly express, or avoid complex emotions.
Some food for thought! Now, for actual food:
Japanese Cabbage Salad
This is the kind of food that has no right to be so delicious because it’s mostly cabbage. I remember eating a variation of it on my first night in Tokyo, in a restaurant my friend took me to where the only seating that was available was in the smoking section. This was such a lovely novelty that I absolutely did not mind. The salad at that restaurant was cut way more finely than how I cut it at home; if you have a mandoline, use it. But if you don’t, it will still be very good. I ate this as a side to a sandwich, and can’t picture it being a main course at all.
Adapted from AllRecipes.com. Serves about 3-4 as a side dish, depending on your appetite.
Ingredients
1/2 head of Hispi (pointed) cabbage, cored and shredded
4 spring onions, chopped
1 tbsp white sesame seeds
1 tbsp black sesame seeds
3 tbsp sesame oil
3 tbsp sushi vinegar
1 tbsp sugar
1 clove of garlic, minced
1 tsp grated ginger
1 tsp salt
1 tsp white pepper
Method
Add the cored and shredded cabbage, chopped spring onions, and sesame seeds in a large bowl. (Don’t be tempted to use a small bowl.)
In a small bowl, whisk together the dressing ingredients: sesame oil, sushi vinegar, sugar, minced garlic, grated ginger, salt and pepper.
Using a clean hand, massage the dressing into the cabbage leaves thoroughly, for a solid two minutes at least. Then wash your hands and let the cabbage sit for about 10-15 minutes before eating.
Book Stuff
The advance copies of my book arrived in the mail last week, the day before my birthday, and I had to completely dissociate from the joy of it because my brain couldn’t handle that much activation. I was like: Oh, that’s nice. I spent the next day reading it and then sending an email to my editor about tiny things I wanted to change like ‘is there time left to change that sentence to say “toy with” instead of “have fun with”?’ That’s my way of showing excitement, I guess. But now that some time has passed I genuinely feel so proud and happy that the torn notebook paper above has become this:
If you are based in or will be in London, please feel free to come to the following event and say hi:
2 July 2024 (Tuesday), 6:30pm: A Talk with Lucie Elven at Burley Fisher Bookshop
Lucie has a knack for asking the most interesting, thought-provoking, not-boring questions. Her intelligence is next level. Beyond that, she is one of my best friends, and we were living together for the majority of the the time I was working on the book. I think she has more insight about it than I do. It is going to be a really good time. This event is happening two days before the official launch date so it’s a way to get my book earlier, and also get a copy of Lucie’s incredible novella The Weak Spot. Burley Fisher is also my local bookshop and it’s a magical place, where I always find amazing books that I rarely see anywhere else. Buy your ticket here (£5).
I’ll post more events here in the coming weeks!
See you in a Fortnight,
Nikkitha
Nikkita- I love the way you've put it: "no right to be so delicious." I suppose the cabbage salad had earned its stripes. Good luck with the book release. Hope you're getting some much needed rest before the release.